The Manwich

Burn this image into your mind: 10 pound Chili’s “Southern Smokehouse Burger” with cheese, barbeque sauce, and BACON. 3 yummilicious strips of honey-glazed goodness 3x as thick as normal bacon. Not to mention the forest of thick French fries, which I do not believe are French at all.
Can you taste it yet? Can I get an “OH YEAH, BABY”?
(Of course, if you’re a vegetarian, you might find this post offensive, so please stop here and send me no hate-mail, since I’m a semi-veggie myself and think you are “the bomb”.)
All you meat-lovers, read on. Now, you might call the above sandwich a “manwich” because eating something so epic would require a real man who is incredibly macho and masculine and who meets the below requirements:

• Has a tattoo on his heavily muscled arm
• Has motorcycle and gay motorcycle jacket with authentic leather fringe
• Has a beard that blows in his face when he rides in the above stated motorcycle
• Has a girlfriend who has a motorcycle and who handmade him that jacket
• Wears his red flannel shirt unbuttoned at the top to expose a jungle of chest hair
• Wears boots made of crocodile skin – from a croc he killed with his bare hands
• Has a belt with a big silver buckle with an engraved bull’s head
• Hangs the heads of various animals he killed all around his house
• Carries a gun to church and openly does duels in the street with the guy next door
• Wears a cologne that smells like a mixture of gasoline, burned rubber, and sweat and is probably called something like “BEAST” or even better “SOFT KISSES”
• Wears tight leather pants when he doesn’t wear jeans as a proclamation of his manliness
• May grunt or make other guttural noises instead of saying “yes”, “please”, or “thanks”

But lo-and-behold, that is not the person who ate this untouchably manly burger. Instead, we’ll do a guessing game to see if you can figure out who-dun-it. Here’s your clues:

• This person is not yet old enough to drive
• This person has just confessed a love for Justin Bieber songs on the Internet (like, right now)
• This person’s favorite colors are emo purple and hot pink
• This person ate the above burger with glossed lips and painted nails
• This person sometimes has a really girly voice
• This person converted to Team Jacob after seeing Eclipse
• This person is very afraid of motorcycles, tattoos, and guys who wear too much cologne

Have you guessed it? Me!! Yes, I just downed what could very well be the most unhealthy burger in the world. I think I get some manly points for that.